Is a "hugg" different from a "hug"?

Listen, I know there are creepers out there. No question about it. But this is just too much to keep to myself. I woke up this morning to a message from a free dating website I recently joined. (FYI: free means a frightening number of creepers.) I read the message before I looked at the profile. Unfortunately, I was so creeped out that I mistakenly deleted the message before writing this blog. Suffice it to say, my gut told me to run far far away as quickly as possible. The message said something about how beautiful I am and how much he'd like to get to know me and take me on a first date. (I thought the wording was weird- I think it's clear that any date we'd go on would be the first. Well, wait til you hear about his description of a first date.)

After reading the message, I decided to go look at his profile. And then I regretted it immediately. First of all, the picture is the first thing you see, right? Well, here goes:

I then read on to find out that he's 39. I know I blurred out his face for anonymity's sake, but take my word for it when I saw that 39 seems to be a bit of a stretch to me. But I digress. Let's move on. 

This website asks that you write your description of a first date. I always find this a little humorous because you can tell that people try so hard, and you never know what to say, because most first dates are pretty similar. Well, this guy has obviously thought about this quite a bit:

"On the first date,I would like to go out to a nice dinner,go to a movie,then go to a nice park and walk around talk about things each other likes,take a nice swim and find a swing set if she likes to,and swing telling each other what they like,how much fun we had that day.Always make sure SHE gets that Kiss & Hugg to let HER know I had a WONDERFUL day."

Wow. Just wow. First of all, can we talk about the logistics of all this? This is a LONG first date. You have to block out a whole day for this event. Second of all, who goes SWIMMING on a first date? Not me, I can tell you that. And if you know me, this should be no surprise to you.  I'd now like to share some special quotes with you. The responses of 2 of my closest friends when they read this first date description. I think they said it all:

"hahaha
2 questions.
but what if he didn't have a WONDERFUL day?
also: is a hugg different than a hug?"

These are very valid questions. What exactly is a "hugg"?

Moving on.

The next response, this time from my best friend:

"ok no, that's serial murderer talk for 'i'll skin her and wear her'
swing? who swings?
nobody."

I'm inclined to agree. I mean, as a 20-something, I'd like to believe that I know how to have fun and how to act like a kid when the time is right. But is a first date really the right time for swinging? and swimming? I think not.

Even Ted Bundy was smoother than that. Take some serial killer lessons and try again. Or better yet, DON'T. I think counseling would be far more appropriate here. 

If you know me, I hope that you have no doubts about this. But just in case you were curious/worried, I absolutely did NOT reply to him. And I'd like to have a chat with anyone who does. Harsh, I know. But true. So, so true.

*Special thanks to my good friend Brent for his technical help with the picture, as well as his very helpful questions in response to this fantastic profile. 

**Special thanks also to my best friend and other half, Jen for her candid and 100% truthful comments. I don't know where I'd be without you!

Some Questions for my Fellow Mis-matched 20-somethings.

Last time I wrote (and sorry, friends, for being gone for so long! I have more posts to come more quickly this time.) I offered some friendly advice to my fellow online daters. This time, I have some questions. Can anyone help me understand this?!?

1.) Can you explain to me why men seem to take pictures of themselves in the driver's seat?  I'd have to say the majority of men that have pictures on their profile have at least one (if not more) of themselves sitting in the driver's seat. What's the significance of this?!? I mean, the pictures are not necessarily bad or anything, but it does worry me a bit. Let me tell you that when I can obviously see the blurry landscape as you are speeding down the highway, I'm most definitely thinking about your lack of concern for safety at taking pictures while driving and not what you actually look like. 

2.) What do you think is attractive about a picture that is clearly you, sitting in front of your webcam WITH NO SHIRT ON?!? I don't think this needs an explanation, except to say: the only acceptable picture of you with no shirt on is if you're at the beach, and even that is questionable.

3.) I get that online dating is not easy (believe me, do I get it) and that sometimes the first conversation has to go differently than it would if you were to meet someone for the first time in person. But what good does it do to send a message to someone and say nothing other than "Hi."? Give me something to work with, at least! If all you say is "Hi." and your profile is nothing more than a blurry picture and a word or two, I have nothing to go on. It's possible that you're a great guy who I'd like to get to know, so help me out!

4.) Can anyone tell me what the definition of "down to earth" is? everyone says they're "down to earth". What does that even mean? (Who am I kidding? I've probably said it myself. But I do wonder.)

5.) When your profile asks you to complete the sentence "On a typical Friday night I am...", what makes you think it will attract women to say that you are usually sitting at home alone playing computer games? (Ladies- does this attract some of you? If so, I apologize... maybe.)

6.) What good does it do to to say "I'm not looking for drama" or "I'm done with drama"? I mean, in the end, who's going to actually admit that they are a drama queen? Just seems kind of pointless, don't you think? 

7.) In my opinion, the goal is to put your best foot forward when it comes to your online dating profile, right? I mean, I'm the first to admit that there are things about myself that I'm less than proud of, so I leave those out of my profile. That's what the process of dating is for, right? To spend time together, discover things about each other (including faults) and figure out whether or not you can live with those things. So, when your profile asks you to list the "6 things you can't live without", WHY do you think it's acceptable to list them with numbers, but skip 2 of the numbers? 1... 3... 4... 6... (NEWS FLASH: 2 and 5 belong in there too!) Maybe this is just me, but "putting your best foot forward" most definitely includes showing that you are, in fact, able to count to 6. 

Am I being too mean? I hope not. I'm just trying to understand how the male online dater brain works. I should probably stop trying, huh? Yeah, probably. 

A Letter to My Fellow Mis-Matched 20-Somethings

Dear Match.com Men Seeking Women,

Congratulations on putting yourself out there. Online dating is quite an adventure. (Trust me, I know.) I've read many of your profiles, and I thought you might like some helpful hints. I know this is coming from just one "Woman seeking Men", but I've learned a lot so far. Here goes.

Let's start with the more obvious ones:

• MULLETS ARE NEVER OKAY. Seriously. Never. Frankly, they weren't ok in 1985, and they're not ok in 2011. 

• The fact that you are using a website indicates that you do, in fact, have access to a computer and use one on occasion. In that case, USE SPELL CHECK.

• Furthermore, if you are a man in your late twenties or early thirties trying to attract someone your age (say, legal) then DO NOT TYPE AS IF YOU ARE A 12 YEAR OLD GIRL TEXTING HER BFF. "r u the 1 looking 4 me?" is not an appropriate opener. Complete words, complete sentences. Is that too much to ask?

• It's great that you want to share information for your readers, but here's the thing. When it asks you to list your favorite things, keep it simple. An entire (and quite lengthy) paragraph listing about 30-40 of your "favorite foods" is overkill. First of all, are they really all your favorites? Second of all, we all like to eat, that's cool. But there are other things in life, for real.

Ok, these next ones might be slightly more complicated. But you can do it. I promise. Stick with me.

• Some say that the first date is too soon to talk about first dates. Well, however you feel about that, there is one thing I know for sure.  YOUR MATCH.COM PROFILE IS TOO SOON TO TALK ABOUT YOUR WIFE. Seriously. To the guy who said "I'm a good husband, but my wife left me and I don't think she's coming back", this is not the way to get dates. Try again. (Or better yet, work through some issues before you get back into the dating scene.)

• Can we talk about photo choices for a minute? The goal is to put your best foot forward, right? I get that. But I also don't want to be to surprised when we first meet. So can we have a happy medium? Try to smile- don't look like you're ready to murder someone. But also, make sure it's representative of your true self. For example, if you have a mullet, don't hide it (PARTAAAY*) and if you only have 4 teeth, give a girl some warning! (Please, Dante*?) 

• And last, but most CERTAINLY not least, don't lie. Just don't. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. If you're only 5' 5", that's ok. Own it! 5' 5" does NOT in any way translate to 5' 8". And if you're looking for a relationship, great! If you don't read many books, that's ok.  But not reading books does not mean you can say the last book you read was "The Grapes of Wrath" because that is the only book title you can remember from high school. All I'm saying is, you do you.

So there you have it. Just some suggestions from one online dater to another. Take it or leave it. (But seriously, take it.)

Again, congratulations on trying this new form of dating. Good luck and happy profile writing. (And really, take my advice, but don't. I sure do like writing these blog posts about you crazies.)

Sincerely, 

Mis-matched 20-Something

Hello Butterfly

We're all used to junk mail, spam email and the like. But now facebook, too?!? I got these messages not too long ago, and laughed at them both. I'd like to know more about the person(s) behind these. Do people actually respond to these?


Subject: hi pretty
Hello beautiful, Am Brown from Dallas Texas. This is to acknowledge the recipient of your beautiful face.I lost my composure immediately i saw your pics and i got hypnotized.You are absolutely gorgeous and extremely beautiful. I Like making friends and I will like to know you more angel. Here is my yahoo id if you dont mind, br********47@yahoo.com just add me ok...Take care


Subject: Hello Butterfly
Hello Gorgeous,How are you doing today?Just checking on profiles here when i came across your profile,You got a nice,interesting profile ....You look so sweet,cutie and lovely....I will love to learn more about you much,Your beauty makes me speechless,Have a nice sweet pleasant day...




Thanks, creepy foreign dudes, for making me want to run as quickly as I can to the closest shower and rinse off the disgusting feeling you've left me with.

"Of course I know him! We go way back!"

Another guest blogger for you today- a great story about how small the world can be (TOO SMALL). Thanks to my favorite third-step-cousin-twice-removed, Beth, for this little gem. 

Rachel seems to have cornered the market on attracting crazy-misspelling-Chihuahua-loving- mullet growing-dates. I’m here to tell you that there is a realm of awkward in online dating that extends outside of the crazy personalities and unfortunate habits of potential suitors.  Sometimes the person on the other end of the InterWebs is (relatively) normal. Sometimes it is simply the (uncontrollable, unforeseeable) circumstances that make meeting that special someone online difficult (and even cringe-worthy)…

In that very magical (and by magical, I mean horrific) time after my divorce, I decided a little foray into the world of online romance would be a welcome distraction, and maybe, an efficient and effective way to meet someone new.  (I know, so far I sound like I make REALLY good decisions.)  And I was right. I signed myself up for the cheapest (again, demonstrating good decision making) service, made myself a witty and (hopefully) alluring profile and pushed “Publish.”

Within minutes I had dozens of responses.  For the next few weeks, I set up dates for three nights a week. In defense of online dating (and my decision making), it really worked. I met lots of nice men who had (generally) accurately represented themselves in their profiles.   (Plus, I got lots of free dinners and went on some really interesting and fun dates – white water tubing, baseball games and karaoke. I mean, doesn’t that sound like a good summer?)  So I didn’t find “the” (second) one through an online service, but I enjoyed meeting the men I did, and am glad to have had those experiences.

Where, then, is the awkward you might ask? Don’t be impatient! Here it is.

One of the very nice men who contacted me was named Joe.* Joe sent me a few messages, but because he was outside of my specified age range, I didn’t respond. (I know. Rude. But I was short on time and long on responses to write.) But Joe was persistent and I finally caved.  (And let’s be honest, the age difference isn’t really so much of an issue for me.  Exhibit A: the decade plus age difference between my second husband and me.) After a few email exchanges, I gave Joe my cell number in preparation for setting up a date. That evening Joe calls and things start of well enough. He is funny and engaging. Well-spoken and very interested in talking about me (not exes or street fights or tiny dogs). Our general ambitions were similar and our values seemed to be in line. All good things.

Joe’s profile listed his occupation as “law enforcement.” (Yes, Rachel, you WOULD think I would know enough to leave police officers alone. What can I say? I have no excuse.) So I say to Joe, “Tell me about your job.” Well, he explains, he is a state police officer, but is currently on medical leave after being injured, heroically, in a fire on the job.  And who doesn’t love a hero? But he’s only been with the state police for a few years. Naturally, I had to ask. “What did you do before that?” Oh, well, wouldn’t you know? He was a police officer in my hometown city for fifteen years. No kidding! Not only that, he was on the SWAT team for said police department. 

(Here is where I confess that my Dad, we’ll call him Ted, has been on the SWAT team for my hometown police department for the last 15 or so years. Hmmm…)

”So, wow, you might know my Dad then.”

“Maybe. You know, it’s a pretty big department. What’s your Dad’s name?”

“Ted. Ted MyMaidenName.”

“Teddy!? Oh man, Teddy! Of course, I know him! We go way back. Blah. Blah. Blah.” Insert stories about his long time professional and social relationship with my Dad here.

*Silence* (During which the recognition of just what we had unknowingly gotten ourselves into settles upon him.)

After a minute, Joe says, “I think I could cry.”

To which I respond, “Yeah, well, I don’t think this should go any further. But it was nice getting to know you.”  But Joe isn’t ready to call it quits and wants to ask my Dad’s permission. (You don’t know my Dad, but he can be scary. He’s kind of like Rachel’s Dad in that protective and intimidating father-of-young-women sense.  Only with less Jesus and more guns.)

“Umm. No. I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Honestly, who would think that’s a good idea? I finally convince him that parting ways would be most appropriate.  Good bye, Joe.

Just for fun, I decide to ask my Dad, very casually, if he knows someone named Joe. (Even more stellar decision making.) Of course, Dad knows him.  According to Dad, he’s a great guy. A good shot. Is married with kids.” Umm, Dad, you mean he was married. Oh that’s right, now he remembers.  Joe got divorced.  Then my Dad’s face falls, and his voice drops an octave. “Wait, how do YOU know about Joe’s divorce?”

Oh well, Dad, it’s this new fangled thing called online dating, and I swear, I will never almost-accidentally- try-to-date one of your friends again. 

3 Toy Chihuahuas

I don't even know where to begin with this one. All I can say is clearly I was NOT on my game. At all.

PARTAAAY* sent me a message on match.com while I was out of town one week. His message was nice enough (although his spelling was terrible and if you know me, you know how I feel about that) and after glancing at his profile, I went ahead and responded to his message. After a few days of multiple (and by multiple I mean 3-4 to every 1 of mine...) emails, I decided to go ahead and give him my cell phone number so we could text while I was travelling back home. A great way to pass the time while in airports, right? So, we texted throughout the day and it became increasingly more annoying. It was a great reminder that, while having someone pay attention to you is nice, it's only nice if you actually like the person from which the attention is coming. We ended things that evening with him saying "text me tomorrow if you like". And I left it at that. 

Let me interrupt here to let you know some things I found out during our texting. First of all, PARTAAAY*  has his own way of spelling. For example, he asked if I was "haveing a good day". He later said that it was "good to hear from me agine". Not to mention the time he said "I ain't that good of a cook". After he mentioned that he loved hanging out with his dogs, I asked him what type of dogs he had. I'll be honest, his reply was THE LAST thing I expected. 

3 toy chihuahuas. And he "luuuuuuuvs them".

Why didn't I immediately change my phone number, you ask? I'm wondering the same thing.

Moving on. At this point, I'm sure you're wondering why his chosen pseudonym is PARTAAAY* . Let me explain.

So, the next day, I was hanging out with my good friend Anna. I told her about PARTAAAY* , and she wanted to see his profile. I sign in to my account and she takes the computer. It didn't take long before the first thing she said was, while pointing to his picture, "Does he have long hair?" I grabbed the computer and was shocked to discover that my cursory glance at his profile was OBVIOUSLY not good enough. Not only did he have long hair, he had a party or (PARTAAAY) in the back. Straight up mullet. I almost cried. 

As she continued to read further, I also missed his very important statement concerning the last thing he read.

"The warning label on the back of a Marlboro pack".

I immediately blocked him on match and gmail. I didn't change my number, but it only took a few days of texting me with no response before he got the hint. 

So, if you're looking for a PARTAAAY, I have just the man for you. I'll be happy to set you up.

Jail House Rock

A great big thank you to my first guest blogger: Anna! 

Here at the homeless shelter, we like to help people. That's obvious, right? So, when a volunteer who has appeared to be very responsible and helpful is interested in working here, and we desperately need staff for the midnight to 7am shift, why not give him a chance? 

We overlooked the criminal record, the 12 years in prison and numerous jailhouse tattoos (including the pitbull on his neck, and the words "LOST CAUZ" across his knuckles).

As soon as he started working and got to know the other Night Shelter Managers (mostly young, single women), it became apparent that he was looking for more than just a job. During one of his first midnight to 7am shifts, I was working with him and we were passing the time with unimportant conversation. Or so I thought. 

After telling me how pretty I am, etc. He asked the following questions, to which my replies were simple, short, to the point.

"Would you marry me?"

"Nope."

"Would you date me?"

"Nope."

"Can I impregnate you?"

"HELL no."

(because the previous two answers didn't imply the third quite clearly.)

Does anyone think he asked this questions in the wrong order? "would you date me?" definitely should have been first. But I guess he knew he wanted more than just a date. Too bad for him.  Not that that this will surprise anyone, but he's not working with us anymore. 

And here I thought I was going to be writing about marriage proposals from the Shelter GUESTS here. I knew we all had to be a little bit crazy to work here, but wow.

That's what we get for being nice.